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You guys! We blinked and we are here. I am and always have been a sentimental fool especially when it comes to change.
First, I have to say that I am oh so happy that Jake is starting Kindergarten tomorrow. Abby has just thrived throughout Kindergarten and First Grade and we love our school. But man the tears have been flowing today. But not because I am going to miss him. Of course I am going to miss him. But the emotion behind the tears is more of a….
“Holy Cow. I did it! But where the heck did the time go.”
I know where the time went. It kind of felt drug on forever. It has been 8 years since I carried Abby. Eight years that I have been a full time mom. Sure, I have my blog, and a couple odd jobs, built my photography business but didn’t work outside the home. My career was taking care of her and then Jake each and every day. And tomorrow that changes. These two little people that I have been tending to, teaching, feeding, cleaning up after will now BOTH be gone from 8:30am until they get off the bus at 4:00pm. I go from being the primary caretaker to seeing them for a handful of hours at night. It’s a strange feeling.
Maybe I am sad because I will never get those years back. But deep down, I don’t know if I want to repeat them. Of course I would for these two and have no regrets but man they were hard. Feeding babies, changing diapers, cutting up their food, picking out their clothes, and probably nagging them a lot. I know that many of you who are home with new little ones or with multiple toddlers may think that this day seems so far away from you. Maybe you love it all or maybe you feel like you are drowning. Maybe it changes day to day. Highs and lows. Either way, it’s temporary. Or maybe you are even a mom of teenagers chuckling at my melodrama. I bet this seemed like so long ago.
I love adventures with my kids but can I tell you the truth? I can’t wait to spend some time on me. I turn 35 this year. I am not sure how that happened either. The past eight years have been a bit of a blur. When I did have alone time it was racing to a workout in during the 2 and a half hours that Jake was in preschool or having to spend that time trying to get as much editing done as I could. It’s hard to ever feel rejuvenated. I think I can now.
After spending the first 30 years of my life feeling rigid, defined by mathematics and computer science, by goals and complex thoughts I have found a love of the arts over the past five years. It started with writing, reading and my love of art and photography emerged. I want to go on long runs with just my thoughts. Take a walk when I have writers block. That is without forcing everyone to put pants on and come with me. I just want to do whatever it is that I want to do that day. I can’t wait to get to know myself a little better… without so much distraction. I am excited!
I am excited to continue work from home during the day, writing and growing my photography business without it taking such a tole on my family time. And to write about whatever swirls around in my head. To raise myself. To nurture myself for awhile.
Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I have ever been alone in my house from 8:30am to 4:00pm.
I think that this is going to really make me a better Mom. I feel like I will be re-energized when they get off the bus. Eager to make a snack and hear about their day. I know they are going to need that for these next 12 years. Someone to talk to and someone who will listen.
But tonight I am going to shed some more tears and love them both extra hard. Squeeze Jake and let him have all the donuts he wants.
It’s the very definition of bittersweet. It’s stings a little bit every year as a new school year starts but this one hit me extra hard. It’s like we just read the last page of Book 1. The good parts, the bad parts, tender moments, ordinary minutes. Only it’s not really The End. It’s another beginning. A sequel. The characters remain the same but the plot is entirely different. I can’t wait to get started on it.
And we will always have the summers.
